This is a special blog post: it goes out to the McKibbon Hotel Group, Special Masters McMotherfucker, and anyone else who had a hand in trying to steal my parent's real estate.
First, let me address you old douchebags at the McKibbon Group, or the McKibbon Hotel Group, or whatever you merry band of motherfuckers go by.
For the purpose of exposition, I'm going to drop a backstory on the reader that is almost epic in its absurdity.
About six months ago, you greedy bastards appeared on my farther's door-step with a contract and a check for $7,000 dollars. You wanted a thin slice of property in Savannah that was easily worth a quarter of a million dollars – that's $250k, of which you were offering him, what, 1/35th?
Now, my father is old; he's a 60-something war vet who dodged every bullet but the ones hidden in every pack of cigarettes the government gave him. However, being old, black, and with emphysema doesn't make him stupid or desperate, which is what I'm sure you were banking on.
That DOES makes you racist, by the way.
However, being equally old and stubborn, you cranky douchebags came back with an offer he couldn't refuse -- $9,000! A generous, $2,000 increase! I'm sure one of you was wringing your old, crinkled hands as you cackled “LOL BLACK PEOPLE,” right?
First, you hit him with a lawsuit, because, apparently unwilling to pay market-value for property like every other self-respecting business on the planet, you were going to try and fucking STEAL IT FROM MY OLD INFIRMED FATHER.
Of course, after his lawyer (yes, he had one of those, as I'm sure you were VERY surprised to find out) hit you up with his response, you immediately tried to settle. A little better this time -- $103k, only 1/3th market value this time (property value only goes up with time!). Closer, but after all the hassle they put my father through, he wasn't willing to go a dollar lower than what it was worth – market value, not tax value.
I'll admit the next fuck-up was his lawyers fault – you wanted to use Special Masters McMotherfucker, and his lawyer, after consulting several other lawyers, then pouring over Special masters McMotherfucker's history, saw no reason to argue against it. That should have been her first clue something was wrong, but she seems like the naïve “this lawsuit is bullshit so there's nothing to worry about” type, so I don't blame her too much.
The ruling was in your favor – Special Masters McMotherfucker performed his task beautifully, recommending you be awarded the property with 1 legally vague reason padded by 2 bullshit made-up-on-the-spot arguments (arguing for things that aren't even required by law) that completely blew my father's lawyer's mind. Like I said, she's a bit naïve. Combine that with a judge that apparently rubber-stamps anything that comes across her desk, and you've got a slam dunk!
Yes, clearly he put a lot of thought into that judgment. I can't prove it, but I know what you did there, Special Masters McMotherfucker, I know.
Of course, they're appealing the decision – trying to take it out of the McKibbon Hotel Group's area of influence and somewhere impartial, which is good.
But, no matter what happens – win, lose, or settlement – this blog post is going to be on the Internet. Every time someone googles “McKibbon Hotel Group” or “McKibbin Hotel Group” or however you spell your awful company name, this blog post is going to come up. People are going to read all about how you tried to fuck over my parents, and it's going to leave a bad mental imprint in their minds.
It's going to be a testament to you thieving motherfuckers, and it's going to last forever.
Oh, and PS:
Go fuck yourselves.